sleep is for the weak. or those confused with time zones.

I know that things happen for a reason. I mean, everything has to happen for a reason right? And we might not know those reasons, ever. And sometimes the reasons are good and sometimes the reasons are bad. It's just one of those things that happens in life. I know I'm talking in circles, only because I'm not sure what to say or how much to say. Because once it's all out there for the world (or you know, a couple of people) to read then it's real. While I know it's real, a part of me wants to play like it's not. Like at the end of a tour, it'll all be like it used to be. But I know things won't be like they were, because things change and people change. And it'll get better, even though it's weird and a little awkward right now.

So I'll put it out there for all the ~internetz~ to see: Lucy Davis is not getting married. Well, not anytime in the near (or far) future at least.

I think that maybe some of it wasn't altogether that unexpected. At the end of the day maybe we just grew apart or something. It's hard to explain. But it's hard to be in a relationship where you're both away for extended periods of time, even when you go see the other person when you can. It can just get to the point where it's draining on both of you. it doesn't mean there aren't relationships that don't last, because theres plenty of them that do. Shit happens, to be frank about it. But I don't regret that relationship, I don't regret my job or his job. Basically: I don't regret a damn thing.

Things are a little…awkward at the moment but I think they'll get better. We've talked a lot, we've Skyped a lot too since it's really been the only way he's gotten to see Blake here lately since his schedule has been hectic. He was actually one of the ones who told me to get out of the country and go hang with some friends (omg they're of the male persuasion too!). so I think while some of our conversations feel and probably sound a little awkward, I think things will get better. I mean, they sort of have to since we've both promised to be friends especially for the sake of Blake and do the whole co-parenting thing with as little drama as possible. The only thing I worry about is that this might all be really confusing to Blake. And that may not happen today or tomorrow but I worry that one day it will be on down the road. And I don't want that to happen, because he's what really matters in all of this. So no internet drama, okay? We're cool. Things are cool. Nothing dramatical happened or is happening.

And even though I shouldn't be, I've also been worried about peoples' reactions. Especially once it seemed common knowledge that I was running off to Europe to hang with Jensen and the rest of the people on the Ex Nihilo tour. I can only imagine what some have said or thought. I know, I shouldn't worry about what people think or their reactions to….well, anything. But a part of me does but it's cool. I think I needed to get away and I've had a blast so far. And don't worry, Jensen's virtue is still in tact;)

birthday!

THEN:


NOW(ish):



I have a hard time looking at Blake and knowing he's a year old (as of 3AM today so he's still *technically* almost a year old). It seems like yesterday we were bringing him home for the first time, and I was trying not to drop and/or break him. To be honest, I never really thought much about being a mother. I always figured it'd happen way on down the road when I was done pretending to be some sort of rock star. So when it happened, I was terrified and sure I'd screw the kid up before he was even born. Granted, we've made it an entire year without him being dropped on his head…but there's still time;)

I think what surprised me the most was how quickly I fell head over heels into the idea of being someone's mom. I found that I would do anything for that little person, even when he was just a little shrimp!alien-shaped thing. And I have to say that I worried for awhile about not feeling that immediate bond you hear about. Well, I worried about that and everything else related to having a baby actually because I get paranoid like that. But really, the minute I laid eyes on him it was sort of this "where have you been?" moment, like he'd always been there and we just hadn't seen each other in a little bit. It's hard to explain!

And I know I'm gushing and making everything sound like it's all rainbows and unicorns, and I guess some of it has been. But it's been the hardest 12 months I think I've ever been through and I think it was just a lot harder going from a two person household to a three person household and trying to figure out the logistics of…everything. But as hard as it's been, I really don't think I would change any of it. It's all been worth it and more to have him around, to watch him grow and learn new things. We've come a long way in a year and I really can't wait to see what happens next.